Actually, He Might Totally Be Into You
I always loved Disney movies when I was little. In fact, I still do. There’s something so magical about them – the idea that at any moment, a handsome prince could come rescue you from your mundane life and sweep you up in a whirlwind romance. If you just wait long enough, you’ll find the soul mate you’ve always wanted. And, if you’re really lucky, he’ll sing too.
I grew up watching these fairy tales. As I got older, I became exposed to movies with a much more cynical view of love. Films like “He’s Just Not That Into You” and shows like Sex and the City portray romance as laughable and unrealistic. They capitalize on the ever-expanding view that flings filled with casual sex and intense emotional breakdowns are normal.
As someone who has seen every Disney movie ever made as well as every episode of Sex and the City, I have to say that I understand why girls would be conflicted about what to think about love and dating.
In the fairy tales (and Hugh Grant movies), the damsel just kind of chills until the prince finds her and sweeps her off her feet. Once he finds her, they instantly fall in love, sing a song together, and ride off into the sunset towards their castle. We assume they live happily ever after, but then again, we never see life after the honeymoon. On the flip side, the women in Sex and the City are incredibly aggressive in their search for the perfect man, dating one man after another in an attempt to find “the one,” hooking up, breaking up, and reuniting time and again. They have a new beau in practically every episode, most of whom are disposed of at the end of the 30 minute program.
It would seem to me that reality must be somewhere between these two extremes. Surely, love can’t be as simple as Walt Disney and Hugh Grant would have us believe. But it also can’t be as casual and complicated as Sarah Jessica Parker presents it.
The book/movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” tries to clear up any confusion you might have about whether or not the object of your affection feels the same way — he probably doesn’t. (Just saving you some time…now you don’t have to read the whole book) Although the authors do make some good points that could potentially help a woman who is hung-up on an uninterested man, the overall theme of the book is very, very cynical. They make statements like “If he’s not calling you, if he’s just friends with you, if he’s not sleeping with you….he’s just not that into you.” It’s entertaining, that’s for sure. But the problem I see is that the book (and especially the movie) is based on the assumption that all men are the same – extremely horny and commitment-phobic. While those two qualities are, admittedly, common among men, there are also tons of guys who are not focused solely on getting you into bed. The book doesn’t even begin to address these men.
I know at least a dozen girls who have read or seen “He’s Just Not That Into You” and are taking it as gospel truth. This reinforces the assumption that sex is the ultimate goal in a relationship, which just feeds into the perception that many women already have that says they should try to date like guys so they don’t get hurt. The women in Sex and the City do it, so why not? This idea that we should date “like men” – always on guard – leads to immensely shallow relationships, and ultimately, very little fulfillment for those who really want companionship on a level that extends beyond the physical relationship. It’s a far cry from Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, who fall in love and live happily ever with no sexual tension whatsoever.
Although the fairy tale idea that the perfect man will find us and all will fall into place is appealing, it’s also terribly unrealistic. Yet, this is what we grew up believing would happen. We get frustrated and impatient when it takes longer than we think it should, so we try to make things happen for ourselves. This often includes putting ourselves out there more than we should. I’ve definitely been guilty of trying to establish an emotionally intimate relationship by forming a physical one. It seems natural that one will automatically lead to the other, but that’s not usually the case, as it has never really worked for me. The results are often disappointing, and at best, we both walk away confused and hurt.
Although I don’t think that being completely free with our bodies and our hearts like the women of Sex and the City and most of modern media would suggest, I also think that it’s ridiculous to play the part of Sleeping Beauty and sit and wait for the prince to come rescue us. Because let’s face it, modern day “princes” are few and far between. We need to put ourselves out there in healthy ways, being open to the possibility of love without giving it all away.
I’m not in any way a genius when it comes to relationships, but if I could give girls my age and younger one piece of advice, it would this – Love is probably not going to look the way that you thought it would. Just because it’s different from the fairy tale you always thought you’d have doesn’t mean it’s bad. Be open to find love in places you didn’t necessarily think you would. That doesn’t mean you have to go chase it down and hit on every available men in the hope that he might be “the one.” Instead, maybe keep an eye out for the possibility of what could be.
Don’t try to be Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and for the love of GOD don’t be Samantha. Respect yourself more than that, and keeps your standards high. Know that your very own Hugh Grant/prince charming could be sitting next to you right now, you just haven’t seen him as that yet. Know that you’re not perfect, and neither is the person you’re going to end up with, and that’s okay. It keeps life exciting.
And what the heck – let’s end this with some words of wisdom from Carrie Bradshaw herself: “Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them.”
